Romeo and Juliet Talk Show Screenplay
(Jimmy Kimmel Live Parody)
Transition to an Intro Screen saying
Announcer (Orlando)
From Verona, Italy it’s a special episode of JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE!! Tonight, we have Romeo and Juliet a couple who recently wrote a book about their love, an exclusive interview with the amazing parent, Lady Capulet, and an exclusive performance of the talented Prince Escalus!! And now, here’s Jimmy Kimmel!!
Jimmy Kimmel (Orlando) enters from the right while jazz music plays
Applause
Welcome!!! Hey everybody!! Thanks for coming!
Trips over desk and falls
Audience:
Laughter
Jimmy
Oh, wow that was unexpected! Well hey people it’s totally real Jimmy Kimmel here. This is our 800th episode special and today we have a few surprises for you guys!
Sits down
I hope you all enjoy tonight’s show!
Alright so our first interview today is from a very passionate couple, from this area actually that have recently had a major story published and you may have heard of them! Let me introduce: Romeo and Juliet!
Applause
Romeo and Juliet enter from the left and sit down next to Jimmy
Romeo (Orlando with an edited in wig)
(with slight English accent) Very nice to see you good sir!
Juliet (Orlando with another edited in wig)
Good day to you, sir!
Jimmy reaches for a handshake to Romeo, but he didn’t notice causing an awkward moment where Jimmy’s hand is in the air
Jimmy
Alright then let’s get straight in to the questions you guys
First, this question really got me in a heated debate with my colleagues the other day; So, I read your book, and my colleagues did not believe me when I said your ages to them in the story, so can you just kind of confirm your ages in the story?
Romeo
Wow, that is a very nice question, well in the story we are actually both teenagers in love, and I believe I was around 14 years old, but nothing more than 18. Juliet, I believe was 13, which is actually quite disturbing when you think of the fact Count Paris, a major character, is around his early twenties.
Shock from the Audience
Jimmy
Oh, wow I actually did not know that, Jesus! What is that, around a 7-10 age difference?
Uncomfortable laughter from the Audience
Ok, so I would actually want to know a little bit about how you two even met each other and became such an iconic couple, I know the basis of it but maybe the audience doesn’t.
Juliet
We’ll, you see our love is very complicated
Jimmy
When isn’t it?
Laughter
Juliet
I agree, however the two families we come from hate each other, which is where the complications come in. Our two families, the Montagues and Capulets have had a very harsh conflict ever since they started to become rivals and eventually come to hate each other. We actually met at a ball where we didn’t even know each other, since we were wearing masks.
Jimmy
Ok, I have another question, this one is more aimed at Romeo though, so as I can tell this book has a lot of drama, death, and love. So, my question is, how accurate is this to you, or just to people in general?
Romeo
We’ll sir, I know the story is exquisitely dramatic, but since the characters Romeo and Juliet are the “Young, dumb, in love” stereotype, it isn’t as realistic. However, some of the other characters, such as Lady Capulet, are more accurate portrayals of something like a very strict mother in Lady’s case
Jimmy
Alright then, I’m afraid that’s all the time we have, so thanks for-
A door on the right side of the stage swings open, a strange man walks to the desk
??? (Orlando in a dark robe)
O’ Romeo, Romeo…
Romeo
Who art thou?
???’s robe falls revealing an averagely tall man, with an extremely pale face, and a very huge forehead.
??? (Orlando with his hair pulled back and middle ages clothing)
Tis thee, Shakespeare here to claim my rightful status as the actual writer of the story!
Gasping from everyone
Romeo
I’m afraid you have something wrong, we made this story! We are Romeo and Juliet! We know you-
Shakespeare pulls off Romeo’s face like a mask, revealing it was a lizard person
Jimmy
WHAT IS EVEN-
Disgust, confusion, and laughter has formed from the audience
Shakespeare gives the same treatment to Juliet, revealing she too, is a lizard person
Lizards (Orlando with a lizard mask)
Hiss
Shakespeare throws a bottle to the lizards with a poison, it shatters on impact causing them to run away
Later, off-screen, shrieks of pain are heard in the background.
Jimmy
UHHHHHHH, we’ll be back after the break!
There are no commercials just a blue screen with a FBI logo in the center for 2-3 minutes
The audience is silent for the most of the show afterwards
Jimmy
Welcome back everybody I hope you are better now after that experience, we will continue on with, um, the show…
Announcer
The transition cinematic is playing but the announcer is absent, the only thing audible is a mechanical whirring of maybe a computer or machine
OH, the next part is an interview with Lady Capulet, uh, yeah
Jimmy
So, we have received confirmation that the two people here weren’t actually Romeo and Juliet, but lizard people. It turns out the real two are held hostage under the building. They have been safely evacuated, but refuse to come on the show after the traumatizing experience. Please welcome then, Lady Capulet!
Lady Capulet (Orlando with a long blonde with and an edited in dress)
Hello, tis the true parent of Juliet, how is your day?
Jimmy
Uh, very eventful, that’s for sure.
Lady Capulet
I see, well then, let’s just start with discussing my parenting. So, over the course of the book, my character is very stubborn towards Juliet, because come on people I know what my girl wants, so I even almost forced her to marry a twenty-year-old man, when she was 13! I’m such a wonderful person.
Jimmy
Yes, I’ve heard of that before
Lady Capulet
Well, I also have done-
A Nurse like lady appears from the right side of the room
Lady Capulet
Why is thy Nurse present?
Nurse (Orlando with white clothes and an edited in brown wig and nurse hat)
Because it me who actually nurtured and cared for Juliet! All you did was cause her to want to kill herself more in the story!
Jimmy
You know what, I’m done with this, just please leave me alone for the rest of my life, thank you
He exits through the left side and his yelling is incomprehensible but is heard
Nurse
So, as the real caretaker of your children, I deserve to be the real interview star not yourself, you fraud!
Lady
Alright then, let me interview you. When was the first time you met Romeo?
Nurse
Oh, I remember it as if it was yesterday! I was actually supposed to deliver something to Romeo, it didn’t go as well as I expected but it was such an important date for me, since I care about Juliet.
Lady
Why don’t we get some audience interaction, do any of you have any questions? Raise your hand if so. No one? Ok then. Please welcome the amazing Prince Escalus with his magnificent poem he wrote
As the curtains open, the Prince appears on a stage beside the two people
Prince Escalus
A glooming peace this morning with it brings
The sun, for sorrow, will not show his head
Go hence, to have more talk of these sad things
Some shall be pardon’d, and some punished
For never was a story of more woe
Than this of Juliet and her Romeo.
A single clap is heard from the back of the room.
Lady
I guess that’s the end of the show, thank thee for coming!
The show ends and the two people walk off stage
What each writing means:
Italics – Actions, sort of like screenplay directions when recording
Underlined – Characters, at least ones that have some importance
Credits:
Writer – Orlando
Director – Orlando
Characters – Orlando
Special Effects – Orlando
Basically Everything – Orlando
Disclaimer: This is all really dumb satire, and It was actually very hard to come up with these questions, the lizard people thing is just a joke I wanted to put in to make the writing seen less boring, but I think it did the opposite effect causing everything after it to become mundane. In the end, I had lots of fun writing this screenplay, so that’s what I think matters. All the opinions in this screenplay don’t actually reflect my view on it and is just done for humor, especially the lizard people thing.