Essay: Reflective personal essay – why I withdrew from UC Berkeley

In a foreign room in a foreign house, I laid in bed waiting for the comfort of sleep that became harder and harder to achieve with every passing night. The cacophony of snoring from my new roommates filled the room and was accompanied by the occasional rhythm of footsteps and chatter in the hall. The room, full of sweaty clothes that desperately needed washing, had a musty odor that wasn’t unusual for a room shared by four young men. As I laid in that unfamiliar environment, thoughts of home kept me company throughout the night and the temptation to call up my parents to come save me from that alien place never left my mind. I missed home; I missed my family; I missed my girlfriend; I missed my way of life before I had left home.
I made the decision to live at Tellefsen Hall not long after I was admitted to UC Berkeley. Tellefsen Hall is a housing option exclusive to members of the University’s marching band, of which I had auditioned into prior to the beginning of my first semester. I had made my most meaningful friendships in high school through the marching band, so the idea of living with forty other band nerds seemed like a dream come true at the time. Needless to say, the choice between Tellefsen Hall and the regular student dorms wasn’t hard to make at all.
During the time I was at Tellefsen, I missed seeing my loved ones above all else. At home, I’d typically spend a good amount of time every night just hanging out with my two siblings, my older brother Ryan and younger sister Katrina. I could play videogames with my roommates, but I missed Kat’s random competitiveness. I could watch anime with some people on my floor, but I missed my brother’s stupid commentary when we’d watch them together. I would find myself comparing many of my activities at Tellefsen with things I’d do with my siblings, and I would be left feeling sad every time. In spite of all this, I was too ashamed to contact any of my family to tell them how I felt, so the only person I spoke openly to was Tia. I could tolerate the constant melancholy that lingered as a result of my homesickness, but I’d soon learn that Tellefsen’s, and the majority of the marching band’s attitude towards alcohol was a bit more broad than what I had been lead to believe. My family has suffered an unpleasant history with alcohol, so I’ve come to be extremely uncomfortable around those who drink excessively. Prior to my application for living at Tellefsen, it was implied that the alcohol use at the house wasn’t excessive, but after moving in I found out that the house was used as the marching band’s primary venue for all of its parties. Of course, no one in the band is required to attend any of the parties, but it’d be pretty difficult to avoid them if you were living in the place they were held. Once I came to this conclusion, I became completely miserable and found myself dreading the parties. This became my breaking point with Tellefsen Hall and after finally opening up to my parents, I left Tellefsen Hall and began living with Tia and her family.
Moving in with Tia almost instantly turned my overall mood around and I became much, much happier. Her family, the Kinsleys, welcomed me into their home and treated me as if I was their own son. They lived a short five-minute commute away from the UC Berkeley campus, so everything was pleasant and convenient. I’d eat dinner with them and I was able to stay in the same room as Tia. I roomed with my best friend and came home to the warmest welcome everyday, so it was no wonder that I became so happy. Life seemed so great that I almost forgot about missing my home in Rodeo and I was no longer constantly yearning to be back with my family. Unfortunately, this paradise of mine wouldn’t last for very long; Tia left for UC Santa Cruz a month after I had moved into her home. I had class the day she left, so we had to say goodbye as I waited for my bus to school. The moment I stepped onto the bus I felt a huge lump in my throat and had to try my best not to explode into a mess of tears in the middle of the packed vehicle. When I came home from school to a cold empty room rather than the warmth and love that I had grown accustomed to in the past month, I spiraled even further down into unhappiness. My feeling of saudade for my family hit me harder than before and I was left in a terrible state. The following days, despite lacking any motivation to do anything other than lay in bed, I tried my best to hold myself together. I continued to live with the Kinsleys, but almost everything in the house would trigger terrible amounts of sadness and regret, as they would remind me of the almost perfect month I had a short time ago. My classes seemed to become dramatically more stressful without Tia’s daily support. I became increasingly unhealthy and despite my efforts to persist and continue to attend all my classes, I was unable to endure my misery. This took a toll both mentally and physically. I got to a point in which I stopped eating and suffered from terrible anxiety that would lead to completely sleepless nights. Luckily, both Tia’s family and my own family noticed my deteriorating health and agreed that if I were to continue in the state that I was in, I would only get worse. And so, after many discussions and plenty of self reflection, I made the decision to withdraw from UC Berkeley.
Looking back on my experience at UC Berkeley, it’s pretty apparent that I was not at all ready to live in an environment away from my loved ones; they were such a fundamental part of my life that without them, my life lost its stability and began to slowly fall apart. I lacked any foundation of my own to lean on. Living without the constant affection from them was too much for me to handle and I hold a massive newfound respect for those that move great distances away from their homes so that they can pursue their dreams. While being an extremely challenging moment in my life, I can say that during my short time away from home as a Cal student, I learned a lot about myself and I like to believe that I’ve become a stronger individual as a result. While I have no desire to ever return to UC Berkeley, I still plan on completing a four-year education and I hope that my time at Berkeley City College will help prepare me for my next attempt at independence that awaits me when I transfer out.
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