The Uncertainty Reduction Theory, created by Charles Berger and Richard Calabrese, states that individuals usually feel uncomfortable and/or uncertain about people who they aren’t familiar with, yet they have a motivation inside of them that helps them communicate with each other, to reduce their levels of nervousness and uncertainty (Interpersonal Communications and Relations, n.d). In the beginning of To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, Lara Jean Covey and Peter Kavinsky were barely acquaintances with no interest to grow their friendship, but madly in love by the end of the movie. There are a variety of communication theories showcased in this film that relate to Lara Jean and Peter’s relationship, but we will discuss the Uncertainty Reduction Theory first.
According to Berger and Calabrese, there a few motivators that will encourage people to reduce their uncertainty of the opposite person: Anticipation of Future Interaction, Incentive Value, and Deviance (Uncertainty Reduction Theory, 2012). Out of these three situations, Lara Jean and Peter were motivated to reduce their uncertainty of each other because of the Incentive Value that it would add to their lives. According to communicationstudies.com, the Incentive Value motivator is when people desire information about individuals who have the power to influence their lives either positively or negatively. Originally, Peter and Lara wanted nothing to do with each other, especially when he received one of her love letters that were ‘accidentally’ mailed to him, but there was a motivator that could benefit both of them… Within the first 30 minutes of the movie, Lara Jean and Peter decide that they are going to ‘act’ as if they are dating, to make Peter’s ex-girlfriend jealous and to prevent Lara Jean’s sister’s ex-boyfriend from talking to her about her love letter that was accidentally mailed to him as well. Both parties are receiving an incentive from their fake relationship, which will help them reduce their uncertainty about each other.
Within the Uncertainty Reduction Theory, there are “three stages of communication through which uncertainty reduction advances: Entry, Personal, and Exit” (Uncertainty Reduction Theory, 2012). Throughout the movie, Lara Jean and Peter visit all three stages of this communication theory, yet ultimately decide that they want to continue a relationship, despite their differences.
The entry stage is when the pair starts to share basic information about themselves, laughing at jokes, and greeting each other. In the movie, Lara Jean and Peter’s entry stage is when they start to eat lunch with each other, establish their ‘dating rules’, and ride with each other to school. During these interactions, they slowly disclose basic information about themselves and act according to society’s cultural norms.
As time progresses, and their desire to make their relationship as real as possible advances, they move into the Personal stage of the uncertainty reduction communication process. At this point, Lara Jean is still slightly uncertain about building a relationship with Peter, but the Incentive Value is too high for her to sacrifice. During the personal stage, attitudes, values, and beliefs are shared. This is demonstrated in the movie during several date scenes between Lara Jean and Peter. Their first official date was in a late night cafe, where Lara Jean shared a secret with Peter… part of the reason she never had a boyfriend is because she has abandonment and commitment issues, due to her mom’s early and unexpected death a few years prior. She told Peter that “the more people you let into your life, the more that can just walk right out.” Peter continued the conversation by sharing his feelings about how he felt when his Dad left his family and decided to start a new one with a different woman. As the movie progresses, so does Lara Jean and Peter’s relationship. At this point, the uncertainty between the two main characters is at an all time low.
Like all movies, To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, has a climatic scene, where the two main characters clash… this is where the exit stage of communication comes into play. Not all relationships experience the exit stage, where the individuals decide whether or not they will continue their relationship or flee. At the time, Lara Jean and Peter Kavinsky’s relationship was the best that it had ever been, until Peter’s ex-girlfriend came back into the picture during the last night of the school’s ski trip. While standing outside of the coach bus, Lara Jean told Peter that “this… is over, in every possible way” and broke their faux relationship, which felt real to Peter, Lara Jean and their friends. Later in the movie, after Lara Jean and Peter have a serious conversation, Peter tells Lara Jean that he loves her, and wants their relationship to be real from then on. Throughout the movie, Lara Jean Covey and Peter Kavinsky have been a perfect example of how the uncertainty reduction theory works in relationships, whether they are real or fake.
Relational Development in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before
Despite Lara Jean and Peter’s original relationship being fake, how were they able to develop feelings with each other and become close, despite the mental clash of lying to their friends and family? In order to answer this question, we can do an analysis of several well-known Communication theories, such as the Social Penetration Theory, Knapp’s Relational Development Model and the Cognitive Dissonance Theory, in relation to Lara Jean and Peter’s relationship in the movie. According to an article by Amanda Carpenter and Kathryn Greene for Rutger’s University, the Social Penetration theory describes the process of bonding that can move a relationship from superficial to a more intimate and purposeful relationship. Think of people as onions, they have various layers that you have to peel back in order to see their ‘true self’, which is also known as their “core self” (Carpenter, A., & Greene, K. n.d.). Each layer consists of a different level of breadth (facets of the person’s life) and depth (how specific they are about the information). As you peel more layers, the higher the breadth and depth within your relationship grows (Social Penetration Theory, 2012). When you first meet a person, you are typically interacting with with their outermost self, the superficial layers. This is where they disclose basic information about themselves that they aren’t afraid to share with random strangers. The superficial layers are where small talk and first impressions are made. With Lara Jean and Peter, they began to peel the superficial layers in the beginning of their faux relationship. In relation to the uncertainty reduction theory, this is when the main characters start to spend time with each other and actually develop a friendship with each other. They have mini conversations with each other while driving to school, or while eating lunch in the cafeteria, but neither of them are interacting in a way that goes against social norms. Once that layer is peeled, you have moved into the middle layers. The middle layers are where the depth begins to deepen in conversations, but “deeply personal information is withheld” (Social Penetration Theory, 2012). This is when Lara Jean and Peter start to hang out more on the weekends and after school hours, but it is still polite and border-line surface level conversations. As time progresses, they move into the inner layers of the onion, this is where personal and private matters are discussed and their language is more relaxed. In this stage, people are more likely to be close friends or romantic partners with each other (Carpenter, A., & Greene, K. n.d.). In To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, this is the point where Lara Jean and Peter are actually acting like a couple. They started to create inside jokes, go on extended dates, and share personal information that is not normally disclosed to other people. As previously mentioned, this is when Peter shares the details about his father leaving his mom and how it negatively affected his family. The final part of the onion isn’t a layer, it’s the core of the onion. When you have reached this stage, this is when you truly know the other person. The core of the onion is where there is “openness, breadth, and depth across conversation topics” (Carpenter, A., & Greene, K. n.d.). Lara Jean and Peter both felt comfortable with each other and are able to predict how the other might respond to a certain question or action. The core of the onion is the final stage of the onion model in relation to the Social Penetration theory, but there is another stage in the theory that not all partners experience… it’s called the Social Depenetration stage or dissolution, which is when relational stressors or interpersonal conflict reduce the level of self-disclosure within various types of relationships, both romantic and platonic. The de-escalation of the relationship can be in gradual decline or sudden. In our main characters’ case, it was sudden and in the spur of the moment.
The separation of Lara Jean Covey and Peter Kavinsky in To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before is heartbreaking to watch, but not completely surprising when you use Knapp’s Relational Development Theory. This theory focuses in on relationships and how there are normally “two make-and-break stages”, coming together and coming apart (Knapp’s Relational Development Model, n.d.). This Relational Development theory is broken into ten phases that describe the journey of many relationships, five coming together phases, and five coming apart phases. The coming together phases are similar to the uncertainty reduction theory and social penetration phases, so we will focus on the coming apart phases and relate them to the deterioration of Lara Jean and Peter’s relationship. During the final scenes of the ski trip, Lara Jean and Peter’s relationship was at an all time high, but by the time they got home, their relationship was over. The first stage of the coming apart phase is Differentiating. She began to look at herself as being too different from Peter, which made sense in her brain as to why he kept conversing with his ex-girlfriend, Jen. The second stage is Circumscribing, which takes place before the breaking of the relationship, where the partners limit their conversation and start to develop their own life, without their partner. Lara Jean and Peter didn’t have much time in this phase, but Lara Jean decided to walk home and not communicate with Peter from then on. The third stage of the Relational Development Theory is Stagnation, which is not relevant to the film, this is when communication is extremely limited and the only reason that the couple is still together is because of a child or other unavoidable reasons (financial or social reasons). Stage four is the Avoidance phase, where partners purposefully avoid interaction with each other. In the movie, after the break up, Lara Jean intentionally tries to keep her conversations with Peter at a minimum and avoids speaking to him at school.
The fifth and final stage of Knapp’s Relational Development Model is the Terminating stage, which is when “the partners take different paths and go on with their lives” (In Communication Models, 2014). When Lara Jean and Peter broke up towards the end of the movie, they were only in the terminating stage for 2-3 weeks. Lara Jean realized that what she and Peter had was something real, not fake. She shared with him how much she loved being with him, which is where the coming together phases of Knapp’s Relational Development Model come into play. Both, Lara Jean and Peter, appreciated the Initiation phase of their relationship, where they received their first impressions of each other. Though the experimentation of their relationship was originally for non-genuine reasons, the moments they spent exploring and finding common interests between each other made their faux relationship a lot easier to start. The third stage of the coming together phase, Intensifying, happened suddenly and rapidly. After their short break up period, Lara Jean shared that she loved being able to openly talk to Peter about things she never shared with anyone else, which is what happens in the Intensifying stage. The Integration phase is where most romantic relationships move forward sexually and partners disclose deep secrets. Though Lara Jean and Peter did not do anything other than kissing, this is the point where Peter opened up to Lara Jean and shared some of his deepest secrets with her. The final stage of the coming together phase is Bonding, where the pair is “fully integrated” (Knapp’s Relational Development Model, n.d.). Lara Jean and Peter became “fully integrated” when they connected in the hot tub, during the ski trip, which was the closest they had every been (physically and emotionally). Thanks to the strong foundation they developed in the coming together phase, they were unable to completely terminate their relationship. They truly cherished all of the stages within Knapp’s Relational Development Model and refused to truly separate from each other.
The final theory that is related to Lara Jean and Peter has to do with the mental clash that occurred in Lara Jean’s mind in relation to her originally fake relationship with Peter Kavinsky. According to communicationtheory.org, the mental clash or tension resulting from the processes of acquiring knowledge or understanding through the senses is called cognitive dissonance. When Peter first mentioned the idea of starting this fake relationship, he suggested it so that he could make his ex-girlfriend, Jen, jealous. Lara Jean did not find that to be a good enough reason, but then, Peter proposed an idea that was beneficial to her: if they are in a relationship, she will have an excuse to avoid her childhood crush/ex-best friend/sister’s recent ex-boyfriend, Josh, who recently got her letter that stated that she was in love with him before her sister, Margot. After realizing that Peter’s idea would work perfectly, Lara Jean marched onto the lacrosse field and told him that she was in, but it wasn’t without a little guilt. Lara Jean felt terrible about keeping her new faux relationship from her older sister, Margot, but she had to! In the cognitive dissonance theory, there are three different cognitions that the mind will do in order to “attain harmony”: altering cognitions, changing cognitions or adding cognitions (In Communication Models, 2014). In this situation, Lara Jean Covey went through the changing cognitions process, where she rationalized her new behavior by changing the differing cognitions. Throughout the movie, Lara Jean’s cognitive dissonance comes in waves, but it’s most apparent in the beginning of their relationship and small moments where she feels as though what she is doing is wrong. Lara Jean’s dissonance is officially gone when they decide to make their relationship real.
Knapp’s Relational Development Theory can be found in the Bible between various bible characters, such as Lucifer and God. We aren’t given a lot of information about Lucifer’s creation, but we do know that he was one of the leading Angels (Easy To Read Version, Ezekiel 28:14), which means that he had a working relationship with God. Since Lucifer was one of God’s head angels, we can safely assume that the five stages of the coming together phase of Knapp’s Relationship Model have already been fulfilled. Lucifer began to feel prideful, and this is where the differentiating stage comes in the picture. He started to think of himself as being better than his fellow angels, and even God. Ezekiel 28:2 tells us that Lucifer started to tell himself, “I am a god”, and he started to believe his words. The stagnation stage appeared when Lucifer limited his communication with God and Jesus, instead started to share his newfound beliefs with his fellow heavenly created beings. Lucifer began to recruit other angels to rebel against God with him, which required him to avoid Jesus as much as possible. He told others that he was planning to raise his new throne above God’s and that he will be like the Most High (Isaiah 14:12-15). The terminating stage of Lucifer and God’s relationship takes place when Lucifer’s army fights against Michael’s angels (Michael, also known as Jesus Christ) in heaven. Once Lucifer and his heavenly army were defeated by Michael, they were thrown down to earth, which was dark and void, which signifies the official termination of Lucifer and God’s relationship.
Recommendations and Analysis for To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before
If Lara Jean Covey and Peter Kavinsky asked me how they could improve their relationship, I would give them three suggestions: establish clear boundaries before getting into a relationship, work with your partner to overcome conflict, and always remember the four principles of communication. The final two suggestions are paralleled with two well-known communication theories and principles, but the first one is a suggestion that I believe is necessary for all couples, even if it is not taught in communication classes.
It is important for Lara Jean and Peter to establish clear boundaries, because when your partner knows what he/she can and cannot do, it prevents them from making mistakes that could cause conflict in the relationship. For example, Lara Jean expressed to Peter that because their relationship is fake, she did not want to have her first kiss with a guy that she was not actually dating. Thanks to this clear boundary that was set in the beginning, Lara Jean never had to worry about Peter sneaking around and taking away her ‘kissing virginity’. Sometimes it is necessary for you to discuss boundaries with your partner that you would assume to be common sense. Peter and his ex-girlfriend, Jen, dated for a while, and claimed that it would not be easy for them to stop talking after they broke up. Lara Jean never disclosed that she was uncomfortable with Peter still talking to Jen on the phone at night, which brought conflict in their relationship more than once, and is the reason why she broke up with him towards the end of the movie. Peter did not realize that his frequent conversations with Jen made Lara Jean extremely uncomfortable, but if he would have, he probably would not have been as friendly with Jen. If Lara Jean would have set that boundary in the beginning of their relationship, there would have been less serious conversations about Peter and Jen.
My second suggestion to Peter and Lara Jean is to work together, as a team, whenever a problem appears. When conflict arrives, Lara Jean’s first instinct is to flee and call out their differences; instead, she should try the Interest-Based Relational Approach to resolve any conflict that she and Peter might encounter in the future. The Interest-Based Relational Approach (IBR) acts to “respect individual differences while helping people avoid becoming too entrenched in a fixed position” (Conflict Resolution, n.d.). The IBR Approach has six different rules that can help resolve conflict in relationships, whether they are romantic or platonic: “Make sure that good relationships are the first priority, Keep people and problems separate, Pay attention to the interests that are being presented, Listen first; talk second, Set out the “Facts, and Explore options together” (Conflict Resolution, n.d.). If Lara Jean and Peter use these six rules, they will find themselves being less frustrated with each other, while working together as a team.
Last, but certainly not least, I believe that Lara Jean and Peter should discuss and attempt to understand the four primary principles of communication. According to an article on Psychology Today’s website, there is a decrease in misunderstanding and conflict when people are aware of these four principles. Principle #1 states that the message that you intended to send, might not be the message that the receiver gets. During To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, Lara Jean and Peter are having dinner at a diner one night, and Peter shares with her that he and Jen still talk regularly, but Lara Jean does not interpret it the way that Peter was hoping that she would. Whenever you are conversing with someone, you must always remember that because of their cultural or even socioeconomic background, they might interpret your words in a way that you did not intend. Principle #2 tells us that “it is impossible to not communicate”, which introduces the idea of nonverbal communication and its power (The 4 Primary Principles, n.d.). A popular nonverbal communication cue in romance movies is the look in a character’s eyes when they are face to face with the person they love. No, their mouth isn’t saying “kiss me” but their eyes are. This is what happened between Lara Jean and Peter during their first ‘real kiss’ in the jacuzzi during the ski trip. When you realize that not all communication is verbal, then you start to pay more attention to their nonverbal cues, which is a plus for you and your partner.
Principle #3 teaches us that all messages contain feeling and content, which means that there is a message with words, along with nonverbal cues to assist in conveying the message, such as the tone of voice, body language, and facial expression.There are many examples of discrepancies between Lara Jean and Peter’s message’s content and feelings, mainly because they were faking their relationship to all of their friends and family. While out in public, they would tell each other “I Love You” but on the inside, they knew that they were not actually in love… yet. Lara Jean had an interesting content and feeling discrepancy in the middle of the movie, when she kept telling Peter that the relationship was fake and that she felt nothing, but she was slowly starting to fall in love with him. The fourth and final communication principle teaches us that it is easier for people to believe the nonverbal cues than the verbal cues. Lara Jean and Peter both told each other that the relationship was fake, and they didn’t have any feelings for each other, but when they informed their friends of their faux relationship, their peers ensured them that there is no way that their feelings for each other were fake, simply based off of the nonverbal cues that they sent each other. When you learn the four primary principles of communication, you are able to connect with other people and communicate effectively with people (The 4 Primary Principles, n.d.). If Lara Jean Covey and Peter Kavinsky were to staple these rules into their mind, they would definitely see a decrease in misunderstanding and conflict.